you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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