how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
