Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
