I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm determined to sit on that face.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
