3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
