I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
