When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
