I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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