we have pet lesbian snakes
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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