So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
