I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
