u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize