I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
