I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
