She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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