in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
