I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize