you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
