Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
