Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
