Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
