i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
