pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize