so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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