I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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