My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
