Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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