I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
