Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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