i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
