well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
