I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
