Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
