i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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