Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
