Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I think i got beer on your cat.
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