Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
