apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
