I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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