i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
