I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
