I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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