I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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