I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
