I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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