I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
