I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
