i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
