we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize