why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
