We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
