Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
