My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
