I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
