a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
