I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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