I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
