wanna go halves on a baby?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
this beer tastes like vomit already
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
