meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
