i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
