i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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