checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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