Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
